The beginning of man

[Smash]

I got really stoned on Thanksgiving and had a spiritual vision. Some call me a prophet, but I put my pants on one leg at a time like the rest of you

Now I actually had two visions, but the second one is what Heaven really is, and I wouldn't ruin that surprise.

But I will let you know the story of the Creation of Earth

So God gathers all of the angels and says, "guys you gotta check this shit out"
He proceeds to take them to a piece of bulbous soil, and on top of it is a bubble. When they look closer, they notice it is a little world. There are little people running around doing shit.

They ask him how it came to be.

He says, "I literally just jacked off on this bulbous soil"

The angels are stunned. Naturally they all start jacking off. Where each of their semen hits, another world is born.

They think it is the coolest shit.

God sees it and sees that it is good.

However, he really takes a liking to Lucifer's world. That is our world.

The other angels quickly lose interest, but not God. After months, he is still obsessed with Lucifer's earth.

The other angels are worried, because he tries to make them serve the world

Lucifer leads a rebellion, and that is when hell is created

 

[84superchamp]

Who gave you a means of communication? That's severely restricted in mental health facilities.
I'm investigating, this shit will not stand!

 

[Robostyle]

That is some good weed

 

[Monkey Man]

That is some good weed

Must've been.

 

[Smash]

I will say that I am pleased that at least a few of you now know the true genesis. However, I will add that I believe the phenomenon of dopplegangers to be attributed to the boredom and love of chaos from our heavenly father.

He simply takes the you from one of the other angel's (or worse, his own) earth and puts them here. They are dangerous and cannot be trusted.

I have killed three of mine and recommend you do the same

 

[Dan Gleesak]

If this was how civilizations started my wife would have several continents on her back

 

[Smash]

If this was how civilizations started my wife would have several continents on her back

This may be the best comment ever on this site. I think @thegame has competiton for best one liners...

 

[thegame]

If this was how civilizations started my wife would have several continents on her back

Mine would have had even more white colonizers on her front

 

[Dan Gleesak]

Mine would have even more white colonizers on her front

I have a couple socks standing up against my hamper that are preparing to invade

 

[Robostyle]

How is your vision? Are you shaving your palms?

 

[Dan Gleesak]

How is your vision? Are you shaving your palms?

Vision is pretty good actually, 20/10

As far as shaving, mostly just my balls

 

[84superchamp]

Vision is pretty good actually, 20/10

As far as shaving, mostly just my balls

It's obvious, you couldn't get that blast of light coming from your crotch with hairy balls.

 

[Dan Gleesak]

It's obvious, you couldn't get that blast of light coming from your crotch with hairy balls.

Since no hassle is so into TGP, I’ll bring back an old quote from there, “Aynirars are a fertile people”

 

[NoHassle]

Animal husbandry runs deep in some families.

 

[Dan Gleesak]

Animal husbandry runs deep in some families.

I remember when I was about 11 I learned during a eulogy that my grandfather’s brother bred cattle.
Me and my brother had a good chuckle

 

[Smash]

I am obviously an atheist, but those of you that are christian should rejoice in the fact that starting a thread in His name has brought us all together to share our favorite cum locations

 

[Dan Gleesak]

I am obviously an atheist, but those of you that are christian should rejoice in the fact that starting a thread in His name has brought us all together to share our favorite cum locations

You can tell a lot about a man’s character from his load placements

 

[JDs Couch]

I got really stoned on Thanksgiving and had a spiritual vision. Some call me a prophet, but I put my pants on one leg at a time like the rest of you

Now I actually had two visions, but the second one is what Heaven really is, and I wouldn't ruin that surprise.

But I will let you know the story of the Creation of Earth

So God gathers all of the angels and says, "guys you gotta check this shit out"
He proceeds to take them to a piece of bulbous soil, and on top of it is a bubble. When they look closer, they notice it is a little world. There are little people running around doing shit.

They ask him how it came to be.

He says, "I literally just jacked off on this bulbous soil"

The angels are stunned. Naturally they all start jacking off. Where each of their semen hits, another world is born.

They think it is the coolest shit.

God sees it and sees that it is good.

However, he really takes a liking to Lucifer's world. That is our world.

The other angels quickly lose interest, but not God. After months, he is still obsessed with Lucifer's earth.

The other angels are worried, because he tries to make them serve the world

Lucifer leads a rebellion, and that is when hell is created

I like it, but one point of clarification: What the fuck is bulbous soil? As a farmer, I know my soil types and that's a new one to me

 

[JDs Couch]

This may be the best comment ever on this site. I think @thegame has competiton for best one liners...

It's similar to a Bill Hicks joke...I'll try to find it.

 

[JDs Couch]

"Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million -- that load! we're talking one load! -- connected. Gee, what are the fucking odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes...in my underpants...while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for fucking breakfast?"'

Bill Hicks