I got it straightened out...I hope.
I called MF back and demanded a supervisor. After a little hawwing, I got them to authorize a pre-return and upgrade me to 2nd day air at no cost. As soon as this defective pacakge shows up in fedex tracking, they'll ship the new one (and I made sure he put a note on my order to send me a NEW one). I'm going to drop this off today and will call them back AS SOON AS I see it tracking.