Mesa Mark V:25 Holiday Giveaway!!!

Bro KV

Well-known member
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

Dimebag11

Well-known member
True story!

Growing up I used to run upstairs if I was in trouble because my mom would NEVER follow me up there. One day, she actually did run up there behind me and I ran into my room and closed/locked my door.

I stayed there for what seemed like hours, constantly looking under the door to see if she was still there…eventually I got hungry for dinner and decided to open the door…only to find out my mom just took off her shoes and left them there! When I came out we both laughed hysterically, and I’m not sure either of us remembered what I was in trouble for!
 
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War_in_D

Well-known member
Man walks into a bar with a leprechaun, and a briefcase. The guy sits down, places the leprechaun on the chair next to him and puts the briefcase on the bar. On his second beer, the bartender asks "What's in the briefcase?". The guy opens it, and inside is a little man playing a small piano. The bartender, impressed.. Says "Where did you get that?!". The man points at the leprechaun, and tells him "My friend here is a leprechaun. He can grant you one wish, but you'll need to speak up because he's a little hard of hearing." The bartender looks at the leprechaun and says "Hey leprechaun, give me a million bucks!!" The leprechaun looks at him kind of oddly, shrugs his shoulders and snaps his fingers. Instantly, there are a million ducks in the bar. The bartener, very angry at this point says.. "HEY! I said a million BUCKS!!"

To which, the man replied "Yeah, and I told you that was a little hard of hearing... What do you think I'm doing with a 12" pianist!"


If nothing else, I've gotten a lot of new jokes from this thread!
 

TheRealDonnie

Well-known member
Farmers cows won't give milk. Vet comes, examines the cows and tells the farmer he knows what's wrong. Gets a 3 ft pipe and shoves it up the first cows ass and then blows on the other end.

Bam! Cow starts milking. This goes on for half the herd when the farmers asks if he can give it a try.

Vet carefully hands him the pipe
.
Farmer takes it, turns it around, then shoves it in and gets ready to blow.

Vet yells what are you doing?!?!?

Farmer says, well you don't expect me to put my mouth on the same end as yours!
 

shredi knight

Well-known member
mom-this-popsicle-taste-like-shrimp-popsicle-3017418.png
 

Exo-metal

Well-known member
In the checkout line at the local grocery store a month ago, there was an insanely hot mid 20s chick in daisy dukes front of me who dropped change.

I haven't been laid in so long, I accidentally drooled on her ass. And yes I'm serious.
Anyone can nail a hot chick, it take a real man to put it on a heavy set one that uses a spatula to put their makeup on.
 
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shredi knight

Well-known member
So, I saw this adult movie the other day, where these two girls were fisting each other. When they were done, one of the girls realized she had lost a ring inside the other girl. It was called....

"A Diamond In The Muff"
 
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TheRealDonnie

Well-known member
"A Diamond In The Muff"

Play on words, eh?

There was this desert where a cactus and a sand plant sprouted up right next to each other.
They became the dearest of friends until one day years later when the sand plant died.
The cactus was devastated for the rest of his days up until when he eventually dies too.

As he reached the pearly gates he was shaking with excitement over getting to see his friend again.
The joy was short lived, as St. Peter informed him that the Sand Plant was down in the 'other' place.

Devastated, the cactus spent his days moping about Heaven until one day he was summoned to Peter's
office.

Mr. cactus, we've agreed to let you visit your sand plant friend, but on two conditions.
You must be back in heaven by midnight, and you must keep this heavenly harp with you the entire time
you're down there to keep you pure.

Shaking with excitement again, the cactus grabbed the harp and rushed to the down elevator.
As the doors closed St. Peter reminded him about the 12:00 deadline.

Cactus gest to hell and finds the sand plant doing amazingly well. He was rich, had lots of girls, and now
owned his own nightclub, where the two danced, danced, danced the night away.

Noticing the clock about to strike 12, Cactus said his good byes and rushed to the up elevator.

St. Peter was waiting for him looking worried when he arrived with just 10 seconds to spare.

Suddenly St. Peter notices that the cactus doesn't have his golden harp! What happened he asks the cactus.

Cactus slaps himself off side of the head and says..............


wait for it.......................





I LEFT MY HARP IN SAND PLANT'S DISCO.
 

stratjacket

Well-known member
This girl goes to her father and asks to borrow the car. The Father stands up, unzips his pants and says “you know you gotta do”. The girl gets pissed but says ok. She puts it in her her mouth, spits it out and yells “damn Dad, it tastes like shit”!!
Father says “oh yeah, I forgot, your brother has the car”.
 
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