Everyone goes through this process of wondering if they will ever get it. It is a shame.
I once knew a mechanic that had a garage full of cars to fix, but would instead do a lot of meth and organize the bills he never planned on paying. The customers would lose patience and come work on their cars themselves using his tools. It was the strangest thing.
Whenever the city or utility company turned off the water or electricity, he would just go back out and cut off their locks and hook it back up.
I one time went over there to help him get back in the process of working and instead he wanted to vacuum invisible mites off of himself.
There are those that are good at business and then there are the Larry's of the world