couple of funny paragraphs in there.
11 MEGADETH
“Crush ’Em”
Risk (1999)
GUITARISTS: Dave Mustaine and Marty Friedman
The only risk Megadeth took on this album was the chance they might alienate their die-hard fans once and for all. Probably inspired by the alternative crossover success Metallica enjoyed with Load, Dave Mustaine and company reached for a similar audience with this tepid rocker, which sounds uncannily like Loverboy’s “Turn Me Loose” being covered by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. No matter how hard Mustaine tried to sell this piece, no one was buying.
20 METALLICA
“2x4”
Load (1996)
GUITARIST: Kirk Hammett
We don’t know what possessed Metallica to rip off a show tune, because to us this lumbering riff sounds like it was lifted from “Hey Big Spender.” Hammett struggles through the wooden solo as if he’s using a large plank for a pick, and he’s so obsessed with his wah-wah that he forgets to play anything with his left hand.
25 WARRANT
“Cherry Pie”
Cherry Pie (1990)
GUITARISTS: Erik Turner, Joey Allen, C.C. DeVille
Imagine how insulted Erik Turner and Joey Allen felt when they were told Poison’s C.C. DeVille would play the solo on this song. That’s like having your wife tell you Gary Coleman will be taking over your bedroom duties.
34 DAVID LEE ROTH
“Yankee Rose”
Eat ’Em and Smile (1986)
GUITARIST: Steve Vai
Steve Vai calls those noises at the beginning of this song “Martian voices,” but to us it sounds like the parents in a Peanuts holiday special. Or Louis Armstrong playing trumpet. With his butt.
49 GODSMACK
“Moon Baby”
Godsmack (1997)
GUITARIST: Tony Rombola
Featuring a drop-D riff so simple you could play it with a strap-on dildo, this song is as predictable as J. Lo and Marc Anthony’s impending divorce.
51 NITRO
“Freight Train”
O.F.R. (1989)
GUITARIST: Michael Angelo
Listening to Michael Angelo’s shrill, hyperspeed shredding is more torturous than hot dog night at Abu Ghraib. You’ll want to throw yourself in front of a freight train before his solo ends.
56 AEROSMITH
“Walk This Way”
Live! Bootleg (1978)
GUITARISTS: Joe Perry and Brad Whitford
Aerosmith rip through their funkiest hit at almost twice the speed of the studio original, completely losing the groove in the process. One of the roadies must’ve been waving an eightball at them from the side of the stage.
61 LIVING COLOUR
“Cult of Personality”
Vivid (1988)
GUITARIST:Vernon Reid
Vernon Reid shows us what it would sound like if you tried to play a solo with a boat motor
