TGP has a joke thread going. Lets do our raunchy NSF TGP version

[The~Kid]

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

This one would have gone very well in college too

 

[MadAsAHatter]

A man walks into a whore house and walks up to the counter...

Man: how much is your best prostitute?
That would be $1000 sir.

Man: I can't afford that, how much is an average one?
Average will be $500 sir

Man: That's a little too much too. How much is a low level one?
That'll cost you $100 sir.

Man: I still can't afford that, but I really need a release. Let me ask, what can I get for $20
I can set you up with our budget special. It'll be down the hall last door on the right.

The man hands over his $20, goes into the room, and proceeds to fuck the ever loving hell out the whore.
All of a sudden stuff starts coming out of her eyes, nose, mouth, ever orifice on her body.
The man runs out the room, out the building freaking out yelling about what happened.
The person at the counter shouts out...
Clean up in the back room, the dead bitch is full again.

 

[84superchamp]

How many ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth ?


All of them.

Guy pulls a black pocket comb from his back pocket, holds it up and asks his bud "what does this look like?"
"A comb?"
"No, a canoe full of ethiopians".

 

[theclev]

A church pitches in to buy their pastor a horse, as he's always loved horses. When it's delivered, the handler says, "okay pastor, this horse will run through anything if you tell it to. The command to go is, 'hallelujah.' The command to stop is 'amen.'"

The pastor nervously mounts his new horse and says, "hallelujah!"

The horse jolts to a gallop, and soon the pastor realizes with horror that they're headed straight for a cliff. He racks his brain trying to remember the command for stop, but he can't come up with the right word.

In near panic, the pastor says a quick prayer and mutters, "amen." The horse comes to a screeching halt just feet before the cliff face.

The pastor looks over the canyon right in front of him, realizing that he and his horse nearly just died falling to their deaths. He looks to the skies and says, "hallelujah!"

 

[MadAsAHatter]

WHY did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead

My friend always tells this one. It's so stupid it's funny, I laugh every time.

 

[japetus]

Horse walked into a bar, bartender said "Sorry No horses allowed"

 

[70 Mach 1]

Some of these are way too long.
I lose interest after 2 paragraphs

And some have no punch line or beyond my intellectual level
@japetus post 26

 

[311boogieman]

A guy is drinking in a bar and gets really drunk. He's so drunk that he throws up on himself. He says to the bartender, "my wife is going to kill me, she just bought me this shirt and I puked on it". The bartender says, "put $10 in the pocket and when you get home, tell your wife that your friend got drunk and puked on you and he gave you $10 to get the shirt cleaned". So, the drunk goes home and his wife greets him at the door and asks him what happened to his new shirt. The drunk husband replies, "my buddy threw up on me and he gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned, there's $10 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in his pocket and pulls out a $20 bill. She says, "this is $20, not $10". The drunk husband replies, "he shit in my pants, too".

 

[MadAsAHatter]

A guy is drinking in a bar and gets really drunk. He's so drunk that he throws up on himself. He says to the bartender, "my wife is going to kill me, she just bought me this shirt and I puked on it". The bartender says, "put $10 in the pocket and when you get home, tell your wife that your friend got drunk and puked on you and he gave you $10 to get the shirt cleaned". So, the drunk goes home and his wife greets him at the door and asks him what happened to his new shirt. The drunk husband replies, "my buddy threw up on me and he gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned, there's $10 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in his pocket and pulls out a $20 bill. She says, "this is $20, not $10". The drunk husband replies, "he shit in my pants, too".

This joke remind me of the drunk wife cart.

 

[311boogieman]

This joke remind me of the drunk wife cart.

Looks like that would make a great hand truck for amp heads too.

Robostyle - I tried sending you a DM but it is blocked. Did you turn that off on purpose.

 

[311boogieman]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage & no bike!"

 

[MadAsAHatter]

A kid went to his dad on his 10th birthday and asked "Dad can you get me an action figure?"
HIs dad asked "Can your dick reach you ass?"
The child reluctantly said no.
Well son, I won't get that for you.

On his 16th birthday he asked his dad "Dad can you get me a car?"
HIs dad asked "Can your dick reach you ass?"
The teen reluctantly said no.
Well son, I won't get that for you.

On his 25th birthday he was engaged and asked his dad " Dad can you pay for the wedding?"
HIs dad asked "Can your dick reach you ass?"
The young adult reluctantly said no.
Well son, I won't get that for you.

On his 30th birthday he was looking to buy a house and asked "Dad can you buy me a house?"
HIs dad asked "Can your dick reach you ass?"
This time the man in his prime proudly said "Yes dad my dick does reach my ass."
His dad responded "well son, in that case... go fuck yourself"

 

[Robostyle]

Looks like that would make a great hand truck for amp heads too.

Robostyle - I tried sending you a DM but it is blocked. Did you turn that off on purpose.

I think i may have that turned off, i'll check that thank you.

 

[RGX_Custom]

Guy pulls a black pocket comb from his back pocket, holds it up and asks his bud "what does this look like?"
"A comb?"
"No, a canoe full of ethiopians".

Now that is racist.

 

[Robostyle]

Now that is racist.

How so?

 

[RGX_Custom]

How so?

Ask an Ethiopian...he or she will tell you.

 

[NoHassle]

Now that is racist.

NO. it's NOT racist.

The shit YOU post is racist and YOU got a vacation for it.

Too bad they let you back you ALT puppet fucker.

You aimed it at an actual forum member...full intent to be racist in every way.

 

[Robostyle]

Ask an Ethiopian...he or she will tell you.

Sounds like you don't have a good answer, because this one sucks.

 

[RGX_Custom]

NO. it's NOT racist.

The shit YOU post is racist and YOU got a vacation for it.

Too bad they let you back you ALT puppet fucker.

Ah you're full of shit as usual SnowTassel Flake. When it comes to racism you're all a bunch of hypocrites.

 

[RGX_Custom]

Sounds like you don't have a good answer, because this one sucks.

Well then I challenge you to tell that joke to an Ethiopian there smartass and see what happens.